and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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