my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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