woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
