she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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