everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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