You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
