shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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