I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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