I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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