I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
