Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize