My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
