I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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