Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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