By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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