At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
