Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This is the high leading the old right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
