After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
