She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
