I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
