I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
