How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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