so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
