I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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