i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
