I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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