You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
