you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
