Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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