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IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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