Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
