This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
