I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
