i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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