so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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