why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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