There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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