then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
