i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
