hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
