I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
