Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I need water and some morals
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
