if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize