Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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