I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
