Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
