im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
