Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
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But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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