I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
