"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Panties = found
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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