I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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