I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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