I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
