why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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