What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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